It gets better
This is for anyone that is struggling with who they are and what people tell them to be. It’s my story.
In 1995 me and my family moved to the house in a little suburb outside a smaller town in Sweden. I was going to start 2nd grade in a whole new school and needed to get new friends. My sister was going to switch school any how because she was going to start 4th grade and my 2 year younger brother was just going onto his first year. After the first day I got a friend. She ended up being my best friend for some years to come. I also got a few other friends which were in the popular group. It was a hard time to combine the two different of worlds. New kid at the school, one friend being the “mediocre” and the others in the popular group. However while the time went I understood that the popular group was constantly let me down and not being very much of friends to me. So I stuck with my “mediocre” friend. Everyday I constantly heard why i could be friends with her because she was weird, uncool ect. The thing was, she was my friend, she stuck with me no matter what. She never let me down nor told me any lies. Why should I listen to the people that were older and didn’t really know her?
This went on for 2 years. Now in 4th grade it escalated. It ended up with me being bullied. The ones that made my life a living hell was about 6 guys that were 2 years older than me. One of them ended up being my sisters boyfriend. I was being called fat and disgusting. That I needed to do a lipo. At this time I was 2kg overwight but was playing both football (soccer) and floorball so I was working out 4 times a week. Not that it really matter. The bulling went on for a long time. They ended up standing outside my window and looking what I would do when I was home and spread it all over school. I ended up telling a teacher but he didn’t believe me. He said the guys were too sweet to do anything like that. Then I knew that I only had me. My friends backed away from me. I was on my own. What happened was that after I found out that they stood outside my window I lived with my blinds down 24/7 for many years to come. Later on my brother and sister joined in on the bullying. It just ended up being too much at the age of 10 I almost committed suicide. 10 YEARS OLD!!! But I didn’t. and why? I’ll tell you. I refused to let them win. I refused to be weak in front of them. I wouldn’t give them the joy.
I can’t say that it has been easy. The words of what they said is still in my head. I still have problems trusting guys but it gets better. After about 15 years of living with blinds down they’re finally up, both literally and metaphorically. I don’t care if people think I’m beautiful or ugly. It’s their opinion. What matters is how they think I am as a person. What’s within but the most important of all is how I feel about myself and after 15 years of struggling with this I’m happy with who I am as a person. I have friends that I know are there for me no matter what. There are people out there that think I am beautiful. The biggest thing of all is that I believe in myself that I can do anything I set my mind into. No matter what your religious belief is the biggest belief you should have is in your self. That should always come first no matter what.
All I can say is that it’s going to be a struggle. You’re going to live with it for a long time but it gets better. Just hold on and look forward even though all you can see is a big black hole. I’ve gone through so many friends since one after one has let me down and broke my trust. But every single one of them has learned me a lesson. If you learned something from it it’s not a waste. You are stronger than you think. So please hold on, it will get better. You are beautiful. You are strong. I don’t know you but I care about you. To know that people go through the same or worst thing than what I went through is the most hurtful thing ever. I feel so helpless. That’s why i did this. I want you to know that you’re not alone.
sorry that this ended up so long. I’m sorry for the grammar, I’m a Swede so what can you do? ;) However I hope this brings some strength to the ones that want to commit suicide. I’ve met the most amazing people, seen the most amazing places, got a nephew and a niece which I love so much it hurts. If I had died when I was 10 I would have missed out on all of that. Life is worth more than death. It’s only limited like time. Leave the past to the past and know that you truly are amazing and one of a kind.
